365 days from now it'll be better

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by chance today i was feeling nostalgic and the urge to soul search brought me to browsing the notes i keep on my phone. on this day 365 days ago i was standing at the bus stop ready to catch the bus to work. i was fresh out of a break up that left my head spinning and was falling heart first into an intense love. my life and my head have settled down now and i can take a step back from it all and realise i made it out the other side of my shit storm of feelings. no, i never managed to reconcile the girl i was before and the girl i became, but i found a balance. it breaks my fucking heart to read this because i was trying so goddamn hard to be so optimistic, i was having a good day that day and it's funny because today i was having a bad day- one of the ones where i feel disconnected from everything around me and like nothing i do has any meaning. but stumbling across this today was a little touch of serendipity that pulled me back from my disconnect. 365 days between these words. 365 tangible days, some of which i felt everything and some absolutely nothing, some made me stronger and some knocked me right back to the bottom again, and today i'm archiving and cleansing and processing. i'm not sure how i feel, but i'm definitely better than a year ago. i found what i was looking for in love, now i'm working on finding whatever it is i need to find within myself. and whatever i'm feeling today, curled up in bed with my candles lit for the first time in at least a year, scouring through old writing and artworks and trying to create some semblance of a cohesive body of work, an identity- i'm sure that in another 365 days, i'll be even better. maybe i'll have even found what i'm looking for. 

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