I wrote this post earlier in the year while I was experiencing a big change that I didn't see coming in my life. It's about love and confronting yourself at your worst and picking up the pieces when everything flips upside down.
- It's going to get bad before it gets better. I've had Bad Before Good by Day One on repeat for the last few days to try to drum it into my head that the shittiest of shitty feelings I'm feeling right now are maybe not even the tip of the iceberg but I've got to just keep my head up and power (more like trudge) through the worst of it and come out the other side much stronger.
- What I've come to realise from my relationship ending is that maybe it's not about how much you love each other but how well you can work through your shit together. Because it's not that loving him was my problem, it was our communication in the end. Like I feel that love is the easy part and it's everything else that comes with a relationship that's hard, like compromise and sacrifice and trust and having those tough conversations and coming out the other side better for it.
- And I need to remember that for the future. just because someone gives you butterflies in your stomach and you feel melty when you look at them and it's all sorts of magic and fun, that's not going to save you when you're arguing about the logistics of moving in together or buying a house together or asking why you were late home from work, y'know? Talking about things is important, and so is telling the truth, and I wish I'd known this earlier.
"Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and they will come forth, later, in uglier ways."
– Sigmund Freud
- Learning to like your own company is really fucking hard. But confronting loneliness and every single other bad feeling that I've spent the last twenty two years avoiding? Probably going to be worth it. I'm notoriously bad for re-bounding, 'having too much fun' basically doing anything that will distract me from the fact that I hate spending time by myself.
Getting to know yourself is scary because I guess you're not always going to like what you find.
"Sometimes, I’m the mess.
Sometimes, I’m the broom.
On the hardest days,
I have to be both."
– Rudy Francisco
- But being on my own is the choice I've made. Which brings me to the next thing I need to remember- this is your choice. It's what I've been telling myself when I'm feeling helpless and alone. When I have to do my groceries by myself or wait in the cold for the bus or take myself to work at 5.30am on my bike even though I'm scared of cycling through the Mt Vic tunnel on a Saturday morning. Being miserable is a choice and one I'm made a lot. Being happy is also a choice though and the steps to that are choices as well. I can decide to wallow in bed with junk food crying and going back through happy memories of my relationship or I can take baby steps to getting better and do something simple like my washing or tidying my room. Today I cleared out my pinboard to make room for new inspiration and I'm feeling hopeful. Like maybe I've got this. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow, but again, I can make the choice to sleep in and feel like shit again or get up, get moving, and come home and do one thing that will make my day better, not worse.
"You know who’s gonna give you everything? Yourself."
– Diane Von Furstenberg
- Stop thinking too much and just go with your feelings. Get out of your own head and go outside, get some fresh air, go look at the fucking sea or something and turn up your music. Go on that date with the guy with the nice smile and don't compare him to your ex boyfriend, don't do shit you don't want to and say yes to shit you do want to, if your body is not feeling good eat a vegetable and drink some water and book into your class at the gym tomorrow morning. If you feel like you need to call your mum and cry, do it, you won't regret it and if you're lucky like me she will book a flight for this weekend to come and be with you.When your head is feeling fogged up just take a minute and breathe and you'll be fine soon. Just feel it out, even the fucking worst feelings. You've got this, even when it feels like you don't.