this is a photo diary of what love means to me, and notes from times in life this year when love meant a lot of different things. if you're here for the words, scroll to the bottom. if you're here for the art, exit when you hit all the words. if you're here for both, hello and welcome to the inner workings of my messy little head.
i've never written about love before on here. i write about things i love, and i talk about myself a hell of a lot, but i've never talked about love before. maybe i never understood it properly? the meaning shifts for me, what it means now would have meant something totally different to me two years ago, and thats a good thing. love and relationships are intertwined but different. love can be one sided and selfish and not always with the purest intentions, and so can relationships. relationships can be long and affectionate with an absence of love.
let me say though, i'm the first person to confess that when it comes to love and relationships, i don't have the best track record. feelings have been stomped on, boys have been ghosted, lies have been told, and relationships whether serious or not have been entered into with little to no regard of anyone's feelings but my own. i think to some extent we have all been the shitty person, whether we know it or not, and people have done worse things than i have, and some people are better at this than i am. but i'm learning.
i've learned that loving someone properly is hard hard work, but so very worth it. there is compromise and disagreements and more talk about feelings than i ever thought i'd endure. i'm learning that not every fight is the end of the world even though my 4am cries make it seem that way. i thought my last relationship was perfect because we never fought, but we also never talked about how we feel and when it came time to have to do so, we couldn't. or we chose not to try. and either way, being in love is a choice you make every single day and not just on the good ones.
we have our strengths and our weaknesses and we have insecurities and issues but what i’m learning is that our connection and love for each other is stubborn. even when i feel furious i also feel sure.
it's incredibly hard to write about because it's always changing, and it will mean something different to everyone. to me, the only way i can even get close is by taking all the little things, the notes i've scribbled down and the songs that make me go oh, that's how it feels and the moments that i've collected over the time i've spent with him.
i don’t know if there’s ever going to be a way to write down how i feel about loving him, it’s like finding that perfect piece of clothing that you want to wear all the time. it’s being deliriously happy, it's driving to your house at 1am because you can’t bear to go to sleep knowing they’re not happy, nothing i’ve ever felt before, fucking terrifying, but it’s also finding something you didn’t know you could feel and getting to pull him closer at night and feel so damn content. and it's wanting to bottle up every little moment and write down every single thing that makes your heart melt because you want to remember it forever.