not feeling like myself

This whole year I've felt lost- direction wise and identity wise, and have been struggling with feeling like myself again. But I actually think it's okay. You don't have to feel like yourself. No really, hear me out.

Ever since just after my last holiday in February I haven't been feeling like myself. And it's been bugging me like crazy. I keep trying to get that girl back because I liked her- she was happy and chirpy and handled stress really well and exercised every day and hardly ever cried. She was content with her life and that's what I wanted to get back to.

I was sitting on the steps having a cigarette and looking out at the sea this morning though and I thought y'know what? I think I'm starting to feel like myself.

Not like my old self, not like my hippie phase self, not like my angsty rebel phase self- well, there's a little bit of each still in here, but mostly, I feel like the girl I've been building all year.

An acknowledgement of my past selves, a girl who has gotten simultaneously a lot stronger but also a lot more vulnerable but in the right ways I think. Made of difficult choices, changing priorities, transitioning from student to full time barista to full time designer, learning more about empathy and kindness and being a little less selfish, and loving without inhibition even though it's terrifying.

Sure there's things I want to change- I'm more and more anxious, scatterbrained to a fault, don't think before I speak, terrible at saving, drink too much caffeine and I could go on about my faults for a long time. There's things I want to get better at. But that will all come with time and effort. You don't have to feel like yourself, because who you are changes as often as daily. 

The key things I have found are that being alone helps- I tend to avoid spending time alone as much as possible because it gives me too much time for my mind to run in negative circles, however it is exactly what I need to do.

And I'm finding that it's not so bad. 

I'm content with my life and it's ok that I don't always feel like myself because that's a work in progress, one I actively have to work at every day. Right now, I'm content with focusing on taking care of myself so I don't lose myself again.

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