a journal entry about a girl who has spent her whole life wanting more, brought to you by the notes app, from 10.9.17
mood- sleepy and content
i just got back from a weekend in auckland and i'm lying in bed waiting for my boyfriend to come back from work. it's just hit me that this time last year, i was in auckland around the same time but so much has changed since then. change really creeps up on you huh? i've felt like this year has been stagnant and i've achieved nothing, but really, the changes have been huge and it's not until i look back at where i was a year ago that i realise. last year when i was up there, i was in a different relationship, on the brink of finishing my degree, burnt out and dissatisfied. i wanted a change, a new city, a new purpose, to feel content and to start afresh.
that feeling hasn't gone away until now.
and for the first time this year, i’m feeling content. and part of me feels weird about it because i’ve spent SUCH. A. LONG. TIME. FEELING. DISCONTENT.
i’m one of those people who is always in a state of wanting to be somewhere else. even when i’m happy (side note- a list of happy feelings- the sun on my face, watching my plants grow, when everything is clean and tidy, days spent painting in bed with no responsibilities, long drives, skin on skin, salted caramel in my mouth, laughing with people i love, things like that y’know that make you feel like all the good little things add up to a good life) i always want something MORE.
that feeling, it’s been following me around my whole entire life.
it’s what made me move away from home as soon as possible, it’s what helped me realise what friendships are important to hold onto and what ones are not, it’s forced me out of my comfort zone again and again, it’s broken relationships and spiralled me into unhappiness and the only thing that fixes it is change because in my head if i'm not changing i'm not happy.
but only temporarily.
a new possession, a new job, a new house, a new partner, a new location. it's time to stop running away from people and places when they don't give me what i want anymore. within reason, obviously. i'm not going to stay anywhere that's making me miserable, but the change you want isn't always the change that's gonna fix something y'know?
the only time i feel truly content is when i’m on my way to somewhere new. lately that’s been changing though and it’s weird to come to terms with. i finally feel like maybe my shitty job won’t be forever, i am feeling capable and ready to start being a real designer and not just a girl with a design degree making coffee for a living. i’m head over heels in love which you would THINK puts me on cloud nine all the time but has actually been part of the reason i’ve been so damn angsty this year because wow side note falling in love makes you feel fifteen again and all that angst comes with it. that's another blog post in itself though.
back to normal programming though, i truly don’t know what has changed within me. all i know is i had a fun weekend away with my friends who i'm grateful for, and for the first time i can remember i've actually looked forward to coming home. which is weird. i've never felt an intense belonging to any particular place and can always see myself living anywhere, but right now at this point in time i can safely and happily say that wellington is home and i don't want to leave just yet.
at the end of the day you’ve got to trust the way you feel, and if my gut feeling is to stay then i’m gonna stay. for once in my life i feel like i’ve got something i don’t want to leave. and that’s pretty fucking great for me. yeah nothing is perfect but i can just feel that i’m pretty damn close to it.